Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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