i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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