I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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