I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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