gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
