why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We are all done wearing pants today
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
