I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
