Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
