Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
