I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
too bad you live with your parents still
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
