I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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