I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
