i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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