you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
