i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think I won the penis lottery.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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