I'm lost and stupid without you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
