he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
