Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
