Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
