I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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