I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
