dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
