The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
