if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
