weddingsv make me drug and hornr
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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