Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
