Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wear drunk well.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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