This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
