Yo dont text me then not text me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
