Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
