She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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