i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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