He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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