All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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