i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
