What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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