i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
