Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
