I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
