Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
