I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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