Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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