I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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