I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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