why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
