So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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