the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
