Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
