I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
