So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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