i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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